Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

I’m just playing devils avocado here

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.