It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef