It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.