it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?