Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

?

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’