it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Super Hand Dog Face
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies