it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Maths meets science
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.