it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”