Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.