its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks