It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Happy birthday to all the women
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in