It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
that’s really how it is
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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