Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

<—- homeless romantic

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour