It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Cake!!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present