It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life