It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
#DesignFail
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.