It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
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saving face 👀
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
That’s no pocket rocket.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people