It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
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PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Wow 🤣
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
