It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
a public service announcement
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what