It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
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cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
And now we wait
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly