Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

👍

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.