It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Pikachu found the lost joint
