It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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Just say no
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no