Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns