It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Damn what did I do next
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE