Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.