“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.