“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.