It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
You Might Also Like
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.