It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”