It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.