It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace