It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

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If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…


I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.


“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.


I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.


*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*


Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”


Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*


Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money


“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy


[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”