@celizario

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

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@Terdoh

If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…

@markleggett

I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@dongfuture

*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*

@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@KKBowls

“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy

@david8hughes

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”