It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
What the hell happened here.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.