It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.