It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac