Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

ㅤ

Don’t tell me what to do

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.