It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
This dude got his own movie?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.