It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
You Might Also Like
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
