It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
That’s commitment
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…