Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.