It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
figuring out my emotional availability:
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.