It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
having children is a pyramid scheme.