Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

The news in a nutshell.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.