It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
6. me as a lawyer
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
👾👾👾
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*