It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!