It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Hotels are back
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult