It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
This is what makes twitter great
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
So the ex texted me
