It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business