Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!