It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
You Might Also Like
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS