It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
