It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.