Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

new year update: losing everything but weight

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF