It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.