It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.