Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club