The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
🤣🤣🤣