It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
#MeanwhileinCanada
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!