It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Note to self: I am a note
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff