Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Artwork by Herta Burbe

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?