“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…