“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Sorry. Not sorry
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.