It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)