It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
