It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.