It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?