It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
titanic
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.