It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
