It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
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Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!