It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.